Random thoughts sitting here.
Like I said, sitting here, while waiting for the call of sleep. Listening to "Nativity in Black" a tribute to Black Sabbath, thinking of Mike. This is something I engage in often as there aren't to many areas of my life he hasn't impacted in some way or another. I find that thinking of him can be beneficial, or it can be a total bummer. 12 hours at work in a factory wondering why one of your best put a gun to his head and squeezed the trigger is a very long 12 hours indeed. Did he see what he was seeking? Was his destination clear as he received that chemical/mechanical orgasm as the hammer struck firing pin, struck primer, ignited powder, discharging that hot alloy payload, extinguishing the light that was the source of his torment? Fight fire with fire? Maybe, we'll never know. He was brilliant on his own ground and often the ground of others, bringing a perspective to a discussion no one had forseen. You often found yourself in deep shit if you started and argument lightly with him. Was it perhaps that brilliance which finally burned him down? He often tried to go in so many directions that he got no where fast. To much creativity not enough outlets, I feel fortunate now that I was able to help drain some of the energy along with Eddie in the form of music, or just a plain old fashion argument. The former taking place not often enough, while the latter ranged from the refreshing to the trying as points of view clashed.
I have meant for the last several months to call his father, sorry Steve! I have the deepest desire to speak with you as I said I would that day at the beach, one month after a wound was opened in each of us. If I'm still sore, I cannot imagine where you are. I will call, as soon as the tempest in my head calms down a bit. It's been something of a force 5 storm since Ed called that night, and has not relented. I don't think that it'll do either of us any good if I call and just cry in your ear, or maybe it would I just don't know if I have the balls to find out. I know some of the clan see's this page, or had done so upon a time. If you (Steve) hear about this or get to read it, I apologize for being a wretched weak ass. I should have called, and have been a selfish prick to have waited. I wonder if you need to talk as bad as I seem to. The tears making tracks down my face tell me that I might be onto something, at least so far as I am concerned. I feel as though a bit of the burden is lifted writing this. However it doesn't make up for the fact that I haven't yet done what I'd said I'd do....