The Deleted Logic Blog

Revisited...

An interesting weekend this has been.

I spent a lot of time with the girls... I took them up to Big Bear with me. There's no snow yet, but there are plenty of large pine-cones to pick and the lake is always beautiful. They enjoyed themselves and I was glad to have them with me.

We stopped by my Mom's house and picked up a few things that night as well. My oldest daughter began asking questions about the house I grew up in. She's five years old, but she's brilliant and inquisitive. After a while, I found myself explaining how bad a childhood I had (As lightly as I could do it and with as little graphic detail as possible). She looked at me funny and I could tell that she found it hard to take that I was beaten up and verbally abused a lot. "Haven't you ever noticed how grumpy I am?", I asked her. She shook her head in a negative fashion and I suppose it's because she's seen people even grumpier than me. I'm also a lot more fun when I'm with them anyway.

So I ended up continuing to explain things... "... and so I became really angry. I was mad all the time. I'm not so mad anymore but it wasn't easy to stop."

I don't exactly remember how, but the conversation easily turned into the childhood understanding of "Good-Guys" and "Bad-Guys".
"A lot of people think I'm a Bad-Guy."
Both children look at me skeptically. The four-year-old pats me on the hand and says, "You're not a 'Bad-Guy'... You're my Daddy!"
I did my best to keep my eyes from watering in front of them after that. Angelina still looked unconvinced, so I went on:
"I wear all black... Do you know why?" "Because it goes with anything?", replies the oldest. Chuckling, I explained further, "That and it keeps people from bothering me. It makes them think I'm dangerous... It makes them afraid to mess with me."
"I also don't follow the rules that much and I don't do what everyone else thinks I should... And some people think that's bad too." 
The conversation about doing what other people want you to is one I'm sure she's had with her Mother.

She started to get it. After that, she was even trying to be extra nice to me. I don't want them to experience the kind of pain I went through, but I will explain myself properly to them. None of this, "You'll understand when you're older." crap. I've noticed that if I take time and ask questions about what she believes she already understands, it's easier to explain some of the more complicated aspects of life.

I really don't care what the rest of the world thinks of me.
They can call me "creepy" , "evil" and pretty much anything else they want. As long as my children (whether they understand me completely or not) know who and what I am, the rest of the world can continue on it's path to hell.

OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOK.....

I seiously need to reconfigure my life... Maybe another new job.

I've had this one for a year... The last one was a fluke; That lasted almost four years.

No...

I don't really feel much better yet.

FUUUUUUUUUCK!!! V5.2

FUCK you all!
WHORES!
TRAMPS!
CUNTS!
FAGS!
PRICKFUCKS WHO BARE FALSE WITNESS AGAINST A BROTHER!

SHAME BE UPON YOU YOU MIRTHLESS DEALERS OF LIES AND DECIET!

TO HELL WITH YOUR UNHOLY HOARDE OF INDECENT CONGREGANTS!

LIARS!

USURPERS!

BEUROCRATS AND CHARLETINS!

I HOPE YOU ARE ALL RAPED BY YOUR OWN BAD INTENTIONS!

Yeah...

I'm in a pretty sour fucking mood.

Let's just leave it at that for a while.

I fucking hate Christmas!

It's probably no surprise... But I'll explain why.
See... I love my family and I love being with them. I just hate this shitty holiday.

The most petty and the smallest reason is that it is too damned close to my Birthday. Being born (poor as fuck) in January usually means that you get jack shit and everyone promises to give you something on your birthday instead. So that was one of my first problems with it, after a certain age.

The second reason is that the whole fucking thing is a sham: According to notable, Biblical historians... Christ was most likely born in September. It's the proximity to Yule (A perfectly wonderful Pagan Holliday) that has brought it into the December months, making it easy for the Children of Nature and Magick to hide among the torch-bearing Christians. What we should be celebrating in December is his conception. And how should we do this?
By staying home in warm beds and FUCKING!

One of the biggest reasons I hate this holiday is that it's just fucking GAUDY as all hell. The colors (Red and green and silver and gold for fuck's sake?) make me want to puke. They were never meant to go together in a festive manner and would serve as better decor for a mental institution that ENCOURAGES violent behavior. And what about the music? Most Caucasians can't even sing a hymn decently enough; but when you put Christmas music on, it just sounds unnerving and nauseating. The barking "Jingle Bells", the "Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas Album" and "Grandma got run over by a fucking reindeer"... Those are the jagged peaks of a mountain of shitty music made for that time of year. There is only one exception I make and that's Bing Crosby with David Bowie doing "Little Drummer Boy".
That's it... Period!
And then there's the shitty food. I'm not talking about the eclectic confections found when the Sarvers gather... I'm talking about another dastardly curse of Caucasian culture: The turkey.
Have you ever seen a live turkey? These are stupid, evil animals that are easily descended from the last surviving dinosaurs. They have been known to drown in the rain by looking skyward with their mouths open. They are filthy and they are mean. They are ugly.
I'm not putting this rotten beast in my mouth with shitty stuffing and vegetables. No fucking way. Bring on the cranberries and yams... I need something to wash my enchiladas down with.

The two biggest reasons?
I'm always poor around this time. There is always some damned emergency or some ridiculous cost that comes around and wipes me out before I can get anything cool for the people I love. I hate it. There are a decent amount of people in my life I'd love to spoil if I could. So many of them put up with so much shit all year long and I'd love to make them happy... But I usually end up splitting the money and getting shit. It's the worst feeling of the holiday.
One of the biggest reasons? The commercialism. I know... It's hard to be a good Capitalist AND hate commercialism. But Christmas is way fucking overdone. I don't know if I can stomach one more variation of "A Christmas Carol" with corporate sponsorships glaring out at every convenience. Even the shit I like most of the year has to have Holly or some shit on the wrapper. It's annoying. None of that is what I hate about the commercialism so much as the fact (and this is the big one folks... my most heated reason for hating Christmas) that it ruins Halloween.
Yes... It fucking ruins Halloween.
You've all seen it in the stores: One shitty isle with cartoonish Halloween junk and Christmas shit popping up all over before October 31st has even come and gone. Yet another Pagan High Day totally fucked. All the Halloween stuff you do see is just campy like John Waters was given Ecstasy, free license and a vague idea of what Halloween is supposed to be like. There's no blood in it anymore and one of the biggest reasons for that is the way Christmas has encroached upon its domain.

So fuck Christmas.

FUCK CHRISTMAS FUCK CHRISTMAS FUCK CHRISTMAS!!!  

And it's fucking cold too.

The Toadies!

Any of you remember "Possum Kingdom"?

It was the hit from the Toadies album, "Rubberneck" that featured the band playing on an underground stage and some footage of a guy burying a girl's body in a swamp.
The song was about the Goth kids running around Texas (the band's home state) and it was a huge hit.

I bought the album featuring the song and fell in love with them... And I haven't heard anything since. No airplay... No coverage... No other hits acknowleged by ripples of the mainstream.

While file-sharing tonight (Yeah I do that and fuck off if it bothers you!) I was searching for songs off my long-lost Toadies tape (it took me a LONG time to convert to CDs) and found some titles I didn't recognize.
Sure enough... They have a site and a few other albums.

http://www.toadiesmusic.com/

I'm going to pick up the other albums as soon as I can get them.
"Rubberneck" was one of my favorite listening experiences.

Who is in control?

Some statements made by Christian Conservatives in America:

"These are the End Times."

"We are a Christian nation."

If we are a Christian nation with a fanatically Christian Administration and a largely Christian population, then how can these be the End Times? It's a Biblical fact that Satan is supposed to rule the world in the end before Christ comes. So how can it be that with America as the most powerful nation in the world (with it's soldiers marching along the Tigris River), that Satan is in control? How can his legions and minions be in power?


Somewhere... Someone is lying.

A frigid hue...

Winter usually means wandering through dream. Lately, these dreams have been the culmination of portents and desires. I have stepped through fears and fantasies.

I can either rot through these cold months or brave my chilled will and keep forging a soul...
Or I can waste away comfortably in sleep.

I've chosen the path of fire and stone and I will come out of these cold months remade in my own image.

Oregon is pretty...

Pretty fucking boring.

I like car-crashes, hustling, gunfights, hookers, drugs....
The lack of these things and any religion besidesChristianity delivered by these simpleton preachers that give the Gosphel lip-servive and pull out verses like one-liners kinda makes me want to run back to Cali.

You can say that diversity is the downfall of our society and you might even be right... But the ride down is a lot more fun than rotting here in placid, stale existance.