It's 3:am....
I haven't created a fucking thing all night worth a damn.
I have this lustful urge to pour gasoline on myself... To feel it chill my skin as it spills down my arms and soaks into my clothing.
I want to feel it sting my eyes shut.
I want to crush a molotov in my arms until the flame spreads and suffocates me. and the flames burn me clean:
Burn my hair, my skin, my imperfections...
I will be pure as ash.
It's the only way to stay warm in the lonely days ahead.
Half of you think I'm a monster...
The other half think I'm a joke...
My oldest daughter and I talked about true horror after she watched a cartoon with Frankenstein's Monster in it.
"I know that real monsters are people who do bad things like kidnap children and hurt other people."
I told her about someone from our town and the girl he killed. I didn't mention names... All I told her was that, "I knew a guy from school that took a little girl. She never made it back home. I knew him from school and I worked with him once... I even used to see him at Wal-Mart. I didn't have any idea what he was or I would have taken him out in the desert and buried him under a rock. He even lived just down the street from us when he did it. That's why Daddy carries a knife. That's why Daddy knows how to shoot and it's why I'm teaching you how to fight."
Would you know a monster if you saw him?
I've looked into the eyes of a killer and said "Hello."
I've had a drive and a meal with a rapist.
You wouldn't suspect either man to look at him...
Not unless you were using your second attention would you see the face of lustful cruelty under the social mask.
I've been learning to see... To truly see.
Most things are wonderful... Some are ugly and profane.
So you can take your petty view of me and stuff it.
You can have your opinion but know this: It's worthless.
Do I have faults?
To be sure.
There were days in my early twenties where I put the muzzle of a loaded .357 in my mouth and played Russian Roulette with a live round.
I've stopped cutting myself... For now.
Drugs and sex are base and boring anymore.
If I could burn myself alive, I would.
Just for the thrilling terror.
Just to give you petty fucks something to jabber about for a while.
Just to give myself the purity I deserve and wash the filth of the masses off of my being.
You puke...
You rot...
You filth...
You fucking, jabbering, shitting lot of useless monkeys.
Crawl you fucking worms.
Rape your intellects with Pop-Culture...
Poison your sexuality with pornography...
Human filth!
I'm done with you.
I have been for some time.
I refuse to be human because Humanity is a wasted fucking experiment that has been left to putrefy.
Your God abandoned you because your stench and screeching made him wretch his fucking guts up and hide in horror and revulsion at the shitty mistake he made called "Mankind".
I can't believe the time I've wasted myself caring for you lot.
Even with all you'd done to me I still wanted to protect you... To see you safe... To spare you the pain you put me through.
I still care.
I don't want to see you cry.
I don't want your broken hearts moaning on a cold breeze only to find a loathsome chorus of similar lament.
I care for you though I'm not one of you.
You never treated me as your own so I feel little pain at the separation.
I can detach myself from you and go into the cold wastes alone.
And when I rise, I shall be a king.
I shall have my own kingdom.
You will all be welcome...
You will all have a place.
If you can toss aside your crutches and learn to truly love I will share my kingdom with you all.
Warm yourselves by my flames and sing songs of your own glory.
Drink... Dance... Love.
Most of all Love.
I don't care for you to be grateful and I don't ask that you worship me.
My only requirement is that you learn to truly love.
Abandon opinion....
Forsake Human lore and law...
Let the weight of contention slip off with your flesh and dance in each other's radiance.
Humanity is doomed, my Loves.
All things that live are.
In that moment where inevitability reigns and your flesh is reclaimed... The part... The one small part of you that you both protect and deny... The eternal you...
You are welcome.