The Deleted Logic Blog

Face-plant in the past:

Alright...
So since I'm meeting up with folks on Myspace that have worn, weathered etchings in my past...
A little explanation on just why I was so fucking weird.

No this isn't going to be some tear-jerking account of my jaded past; I don't live there anymore.
I just feel like doing it.
So it's not about that pop-culture euphemism known as "closure".

My Father had to take some time off of work because of some shit going down in my family right now. Everything is working out OK, but when Dad was explaining why he had to take time off to a co-worker, she mentioned the word "Closure."
"Yeah... Close-yer fuckin' mouth." was his reply.

Any therapist (any GOOD one) will tell you that no one is ever "cured".
Life simply is and you have to face it every day on those terms knowing that you'll be challenged all the time.

Anyway...

Let's get into why I was such a freak from grade-school on:
Lots of kids had broken homes. I was a "latch-key kid" before there was a name for it.
Even with bitterly divorced parents, I was still happy enough just drawing unicorns and playing with (One or two of you might remember) My Little Ponys.
You know... It's a good thing I have daughters or I'd never be able to explain it away these days.
Around the time that the immediate family was falling apart, I lost my most favorite person in the world in a car crash.
It was tough on the whole family, but my Aunt Cindy was my best friend. We used to trade those big plastic horses all the time.

Shit went downhill for me from there.
Here's the list:
Abusive, drug-addict older brother and no other siblings I was close with. There were all older and some even resented me being the "baby".
As if I wanted it that way.
Mom is Manic-Depressive, Bipolar and was improperly diagnosed and treated until I was about 24. We get along now but it wasn't easy when she had breakdowns.
Dad had plenty of his own demons to face and we clashed a bit too. Normal Father-Son shit really. Every other weekend anyway.
Mom wasn't the best when it came to taste in men.

Let me state it if I hadn't before... I don't blame her. I really don't blame anyone these days. This is just an explanation of events.
So there was one in particular that was a real piece of shit.
I have no problem with people who sell dope but there is a difference between the guy you buy an ounce from and the guy who hauls kilos and hangs out with some real shitty individuals.
He used to have me ride shotgun LITERALLY.
The first gun I fired was an AK-47 and I carried a .38 Smith&Wesson when I was 13 and 14.
We were on one run to San Diego when he stopped us in Escondido to call the guy he was getting some coke from.
They started arguing.
He gave me $200.00 and told me that if he didn't pick me up in four hours to call my Mom.
Not that he was always that thoughtful; I remember one time when he sucker-punched me in the kitchen and whupped my ass as I bled from what is now the scar on my right temple all the way down the hall.
After that, a man from CPS came to the school to have a talk with me. It was 6th Grade and I was pulled out of class.
This pasty bureaucrat sat there and acted like he could solve all my problems if I just told him that Charles hit me.
I remember my exact thoughts 'Fuck you. You weren't there and you won't be there when it's done. Who the fuck do you think you are?'
So I lied... Not because I was scared, but because it was MY fight.

Trust me... After I got out of Basic Combat Training between Jr. and Sr. year... He wouldn't come anywhere near me.

So yeah... Those are some of the big ones.
There's other shit there too but I think we've delved deep enough into my "tortured" past.

It doesn't even hurt anymore and it's hard to be sad about it.

I've worked on being closer with my family anymore. We're all tough people so it's coming along fine.

As dark and brooding as I come off most of the time, I know it's just the personality I built around myself to keep alive and feeling "safe".
My kids have been a big help with learning to be OK with being silly again.
I look at them and I know I don't need to be defensive or aggressive... And I want them to be comfortable with being anything they feel like.

Angelina starts school today.
I just hope I have enough help to give her when she needs it.

I know I still come off wrong to a LOT of my peers. It might be hard to tell when I'm joking but I'll ask you guys something VERY important:

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE I TAKE ANYTHING SERIOUSLY?

If you think YOU had a bad day...

Listening to the BBC News on the way to Cerritos this morning, I heard part of an interview with a man who survived Hurricane Katrina in Alabama. The female reporter speaking with him managed to get his story between his sobs.

Reporter: Your house split?

Man: Yeah... The water come and it just split open.

Reporter: Was anyone inside with you?

Man: My wife...

Reporter: Where is she now?

Man: She's gone... I tried to hold on... But the house broke apart... I held her hand and she said take care of the kids, take care of the grand-kids...

Reporter (trying to hold back her own sobs): Where are you going to go?
Man: I'm lost...

Red Cross

Salvation Army

I need a day off...

Wildomar to Temecula...                    15 South

Temecula to Oceanside...                   The 15 South to the 76 West
Oceanside to Friars Road...                I actually went back to the 15 South and then the 8 West
Friars Road to The Gaslamp...            8 West to the 5 South
The Gaslamp to Ramona...                  I took the 94 West to the 15 North to the 8 West to the 67 North
Ramona to San Marcos...                   78 West
San Marcos to Oceanside...               78 West North on College Blvd

Oceanside to Wildomar.                    The 76 East and back up the 15 North at all due haste.


Just under 240 Miles.

Just over 3/4 and $30.00 in gas.

One Grande Chai tea and a bottle of water from Starbuck's, one Boca Burger in Ramona, and another bottle of water in Oceanside.

Human contact: Once over the Myspace IM with Jess. One call with Sam from Oceanside to Temecula



Some motherfucker honked at me because I slowed down just enough to toss a $5 bill at a homeless dude in Oceanside.
The driver was probably from Orange County and he's lucky my gun was at home drying.
Ahem...
Public Service Announcement:
FUCK ORANGE COUNTY AND EVERY SELF-INFLATED SCUMBAG IN IT!

Now... If you live in or are from "The O.C." and you are NOT one of the aforementioned scumbags, please do not take offense as this was directed at you.
However, if you ARE a scumbag and the statement applies, please chug a cup of sewage, slit your wrists and lie down in the street.
You are not cool.
You are not going to be famous.
Nobody thinks you are important.

People in Riverside may be dangerous and psychotic, but we have heart and soul, Motherfuckers...
Heart and Soul.

And by the way.. I was born in St Joseph's in Orange, but I earned my scars here in Elsinore.


Goodnight folks.

God, will you please kill Brother Phelps in Jesus Christ's name? Amen.

That is my prayer on this Sunday afternoon.

Pastor Phelps ( I won't called him "Reverend" because a man is nothing to be revered) has been up to his usual shtick of protesting funerals.

This time, in alignment with his "God Hates America" bit, he has been protesting the funerals of fallen U.S. Soldiers.

This seems to be the final rip in the stitching between Phelps and the rest of The Bible Belt. I have to admit; Even I can't burn a bridge like he can.
You know... With all these people claiming to speak for God, I wonder why God isn't speaking up for himself?

Or maybe we all represent some subtle point in the alchemy of existence.

Look at Judas:
He's my hero. No... Not because he betrayed Jesus.
I dig Judas because he had PROPHESY to fulfil and didn't back down.

Let's examine this for a moment:
Jesus knows he has to die and prove that death is no big deal. He has to do this publicly and The Romans are providing the perfect venue.
So he then puts it to his crew that one of them MUST turn him in so that he can be brought before Herod and Pilot.:

   Matthew 26-25) "Then Judas, which betrayed him, answered and said, Master, is it I? He said unto him, Thou hast said." (KJV version)

So it's been put to Judas that if he loves Jesus enough, he must help him upon the cross to die.

    Matthew 26-47) "And while he yet spake, lo, Judas, one of the twelve, came, and with him a great multitude with swords and staves, from the chief priests and elders of the people."

   48) Now he that betrayed him gave them a sign, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he: hold him fast.

   49) And forthwith he came to Jesus, and said, Hail, master; and kissed him.

If I asked my friends to turn me in, it would take more than just a few glasses of wine to get them past it.
Not that the promise of subverting the government and beginning a spiritual movement wouldn't have it's perks.

I'm pretty sure that Phelps has his purpose, even if it's nothing more than to give the rest of American Christians a hard look at what stepping over the line is like.
Although I wouldn't mind it if Phelps, Chick and George were tragically impaled by multiple blunt objects in a bizarre explosion while protesting a dildo factory.

Hey, Phelps... Is it wrong that these pictures make me horny?



Seriously though... If you thought Hicks was edgy, You haven't heard Phelps rant on about The Pope.
If you can sit through the slow parts, it's pretty funny... Especially since you can hear him being prompted when he forgets his lines or rambles on.
I've been laughing to tears all afternoon.

Fuckin'...Whatever...

Been kinda reclusive lately... 
A little distrustful and VERY busy.

I ended up doing some phone support shit today.

Fuck "job security"... I'd like to go one whole week without shit falling apart somewhere.
I haven't gotten done before 8pm in a while because there's always SOMETHING fucked up with computers.

I said I'd never be salary...

The worst pictures of me EVER!

And here they are:


Top left you will see me in the beginning stages of alcohol and drug abuse. I was sober enough to shoot that morning but I NEVER should have let Ed bring the camera. You can just make out the hardness of my pathetically small nipple.
Top middle was taken somewhere in the intermediate stage of my drug experimentation. The mixture was Vicodin and Vodka.
Far right... Far gone and near the end. This was the costume I threw together for the Halloween party at my office. "A victim of Censorship" was the theme and I am wearing NOTHING under the stretch-wrap. The list of drugs in this picture: Soma, Ritalin, Vodka, Sparks.
Bottom left was when I was in Colorado in a little studio apartment. Etanna snuck off a shot of me playing with my bass. Ravi Shankar eat your fucking heart out.
Bottom middle: Most cutters don't utilise the advantage they have... Free advertising.

This one is the most recent:


Shed the pounds and no more booze.

Drug experimentation at a minimum and for actual research purposes instead of endurance tests.

I ALMOST SHIT MYSELF!

FIFTY-EIGHT PEOPLE BROWSING DELETED LOGIC TONIGHT!

It lasted for a while too. I refreshed a couple times and it stayed in the fifties for a while.

You guys know that anonymous posts are allowed right?
Go ahead and comment...

Homo-Erectile

A London zoo has gone artsy with it's New Exhibit.

But I thinks it's lacking a little... They should be naked and FUCKING like Bonobo chimps.

Seriously...
We have Human exhibition all the time. Nothing special about it.

Thanks again to Sam for the link.

 

E-Me

It's occurred to me that my Myspace thing has become mainly a home for The Poet and The Nihilist.

That's cool.

I'll Probably play with my Blogspot and other accounts so I can tweak em to different facets of myself.

"Why... How self-absorbed and overly psychotic, Michael"

Thank you... You can resume looking at porn and trying to E-bay happiness.

Fragility of adulthood...

When your child gets hurt... More than any other time, you wonder if you're a good parent.

You know the rules.
You can't be there every second.
They don't really belong to you... They belong to themselves and God.

Do you torment them by holding them back or risk losing them in this life through a bad decision or mistake?

I'm not perfect. I'll never pretend to be. I often wonder if the decisions I make to explore every facet of human existence will ruin the good I do for my children.
It's funny... I never thought I'd say the word "No." as much as I do.

I also know that "Do as I say, not as I do." bullshit never flew with me and it wouldn't go with my kids either. They're too smart for that.
That doesn't mean I let them see my nihilistic side either.

I do know that I won't hide from their questions.
I know I can't fake or make up answers.

But every big bump and scratch they earn feels like a failure on my part.
Like my father said to me once...
"I know you don't belong to me; You belong to God, yourself, the world... and when that's all over, there is some left for me. I just hope I did everything I could... Gave you all the right tools to make the right decisions when you walk out that door."|

It's not as simple when she's four.

How am I gonna feel when she's forty?

Will I even have made it that long?

That should probably be a new goal of mine. To stick around as long as I can just to see how it all turns out.

D_R_I_V_E

Soiled crimson sunset
Brutalized horizon
Misdirected intentions

Another bastardized pilgrimage along a highway spoiled with my blood and mistakes.

Northbound negligence
Southward backslide
Sandance Shuffle

One day they'll find my battered corpse rotting on the wheel at the end of that highway... where I may just finally come to rest.

This one needs a name:

I can't think of a decent name for this picture:


So it's up to you all to give it one. I've had several ideas but none seem to capture it's multiple aspects.

1) "RRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!" A study in chaos

2) "I Scream" How ice cream feels when melting

3) "Homosexual Agenda" A Right-Wing perspective

Aggrandised Abandon

What hurts more?

When they point and laugh?

When they plot and mingle?

Or is it when they smile at your face because they want something from you?
She bats her eyes because she knows how much money you make.
He shakes your hand because he thinks you're "connected".

"Can I borrow..?"
"Do you know..?

They believe the most horrible things about you but they have turned themselves into odd little monsters that bite and scratch and giggle but smile to get you close enough to take.
I let them think it works, you know. I throw them the little treats they desire because I don't need to keep it all; I am not as petty as they.

But once... Just once... I want to see a smile that is felt... And not financed.

Multiplayer Online Shooter Etiquette:

These are some basics EVERYONE should have down before joining a server.

1) Playing nice is good... But "Spawn-Camping" is a valid tactic and the best way to completely OWN.

2) The "Corpse-Hump" maneuver should not be done for every single kill... But MUST be done over double-kills and during streaks.

3) Teamkilling is an unfortunate fact... Friendly-fire happens. Especially when you sneak up on a guy who is wounded and taking a spawn-point all by himself. Make yourself known before approaching.

Teamkilling may become a necessary evil when you have a player not pulling their weight or a Commander who does not give proper support.

4) If you are on a server with rules, be a good sport and try to follow them... Unless the host-team is cheating.
Then... All bets are off and you play as dirty as possible. You may lose or be booted... But if you know how to change your IP, it's all good.

5) When you're good... And I mean damned good... You may be banned from certain servers because your skill is above that of the host or host team's. It then becomes imperative to find a gaming forum and flame the hell out of the poor losers (especially if they are cheats) such as:

   The Elite Socom (Left-lean glitchers) Squad.
   365th (Whiny losers who can't take a whuppin')
  
...And every DF server that has punted KMSoldier and Captain Barabas for owning your sorry asses with the 240.




As our esteemed Governor of California once said is best in life:
"Crush your enemies, see them driven before you and hear the lamentation of the women!"


Thanks to Big Boys for the vid link.

To S.D. county... Beware:

Ramona sucks away your soul.

Tripping the wastes...

Age-cracked hands politely pushing printed pictures of little, green gods at every billboard-bearing failure of humanity from the only open window of a locked SUV.
Screaming at Orange County while it sits with windows rolled up and AC on, pretending not to notice bits of nagging discomfort like me and the Cardboard Kings.

I drop the dollars because I can...
And because a bad day at work for me is still a bad day at WORK.

Gays and Asians along L.A.'s alleyways look at me like I'm the one to be afraid of...
And I love that I can give them bits of comfort with their own interrogated identities.

A freestyle, front-seat view of Middle-America dry-humping mediocrity while they pretend to fist-fuck stardom.
Hard pardon when opportunity knocks you up and leaves your dreams screaming on the front-porch.

Highway 74:
Dodging rolling wreckage on the welcomed way to Riverside.
Inland Empire with buck-shot stop-signs, hoodlum heinas and a warrior on every corner.

I don't belong anywhere...
So I settle here on nowhere in between trips to everywhere.

The Ten Commandments

Just like ANY statement, the "Ten Commandments" should be protected under Federal law.


I don't see the problem here. Some people might be offended by the display of these few chosen words, but then some others might be offended by gay men kissing in public.

I say to both groups, "Don't look... go back in your home... and kill yourself if you're so worried about seeing something in life you dislike."

There was some Brit I heard about a while back who had a sign displaying the words "Homosexuals Repent".
He was punched by someone in the crowd.
Two Constables walked up and arrested the man for "Hate Speech"

Thank you, England for once again being an example for America on what NOT to become.

It's ridiculous. I'm for Gay Rights and equality.
Treating them specially and allowing them to make statements without retort is "Special Treatment" and it goes against the goal of equality.
Benefits for partners?
Absolutely.
Civil Union?
Of course.
Marriage?

Well that's a matter of church doctrine and if you can't follow that doctrine then maybe you need to find a new faith.

I hate Political Correctness with a throbbing, purple passion.

So if some bisexual, Puerto rican person of diminutive stature with wooden leg stumbles up to me in Hollywood, gets in my way and starts talking smack...
I have to resort to calling him a "dootie-face".
No thank you. I'm going to threaten the little, brown bugger with sticking his peg up his ass and spinning him on it like a top.

My Dad tended bar for quite a while and this wheelchair bound dude would come in, get sloshed and start shit.
Pops picked up a pair of pliers and stated loudly "Knock it off you crippled prick or I'll clip your spokes!"
Some sensitive lady walking past from the restaurant portion of the casino took offense on the man's behalf... to which father replied that the man gets just as drunk and rude as anyone and the usual threat to break his legs just didn't apply.

To me... Equality means putting up with just as much shit as the rest of us.

 

What's the fucking point?

Some people go through introspection gingerly and with deliberation...
Much like a surgeon uses his scalpel to slowly remove tissue and expose the disease.

I go at it with a pitchfork and a chainsaw.

I expose my wounds and lay the severed meat on the table.

In High School, I gave the worst of my poetry to a fellow student who's mother was about to achieve her degree in Psychology. She marveled at how someone so insane could still be alive and unincarcerated.

It's (Deleted Logic has) been a goal of mine to lay every aspect of The Human Experience on the table. All of my weaknesses and failures there for the whole world to gawk at.

Are you gonna tell me that nobody wants to see something that crude?

Then why are all of you fuckers plugging up the freeway to ogle every ruddy fender-bender you pass?

You like blood... You want drama...

I even made a forum that is unmoderated so everyone could have a place to shit an opinion without it being removed or edited to shreds.

The experiment continues with complete disregard for ethics, standards, legalities or structure.

Tune in as I eviscerate my personality, rape my own emotions, vomit learned behavior and cower in the corner afterwards in complete horror and revulsion of what I've done.

This is my Introduction to the Deleted Logic Archives and my invitation to check in regularly as one man attempts to catch, mutilate and display (if not merely "define") the best and worst of what it is to be "human".

Eulogy for all of my beloved...

"Living just to die...
Dying just a little each day."

I see the faces of all I've known; Friends and enemies alike.
All who have held me and all who have scarred me are cared for since they all have taught me so much...
About myself...
About the world... 

Love and hate... No difference... Both are binding.

All Villains were once Victims. They create each other for company

The same vulgar rules of physics bind us to our flesh...
wrench our flesh toward the ground...
break the ground under it's own pressure.

Underneath the personalities that offend and anger me cower humbled beings I pity.

Every scar I've earned is the mark of someone very important to my purpose in this life.

And when the universe contracts and the energy we are violently unifies...

I will have understood why you hated me and I envied you.

HA!... I beat his record and LIVED!

Only 50 hours and he had breaks too.

Sam can tell you that back in the old Diablo days, I went a little longer with no food, water, or bathroom trips.

After falling out of the chair and crawling off to the restroom, dragging legs with the worst case of "Pins N Needles" you can imagine... I sat back down to finish off Diablo with my mighty Sorcerer!

But then again... If he was playing me at Battlefield 2 or KMSoldier at Delta-Force... Stress is probably what killed him.

Alright... Enough crap.
I can't help it though; It's always fascinated me when people die of addictions that aren't the typical things like drugs or adrenaline-seeking.

I have a small collection of "auto-erotic suicides" that I got out of my old Carpe Noctem Magazine.

They absolutely intrigue me. It' the ultimate price for "chasing the dragon".

Anyhow... This unfortunate soul lost his life over an online scoreboard.
I still wonder... Was it his competitive nature that drove him?

R.I.P. "Lee" The Ultimate Gamer                                                             Thanks to Ed for the link.