Just in case you are all wondering...
I've been clean since October, dry since November, free of other addictions for about a month and started a job I not only can deal-with but actually really enjoy. Believe it or not, I'm running all up and down the Southern California Coast installing and repairing computer systems.
I'm not tied to a fucking work-bench or desk all day.
I only have one person to answer to and HE hates the corporate structure more than I do (if you ever thought that possible).
Even on rough days like today... I got a free meal, met new people, learned a LOT about traffic shortcuts on the way home and even enjoyed nearly getting lost in a ghetto.
I know... That has ALWAYS been one of my favorite hobbies.
But now I get paid mileage for it.
I will miss having nearly four days uninterrupted with my kids though I will not only be making more money, but switching days out to spend any time I want (like days we can use our annual passes at Disneyland) with them won't be a hassle.
Once I get the driving and locations down, I'll have more time in the evenings.
For projects; Not women.
That's the other nasty habit I'm swearing off of for a while.
I just don't have the time or energy for courtship rituals at the moment.
Makes more for more time with my family and even time with myself...
All five of me.
K... Holdup...
That wasn't exactly a joke.
Not everyone will admit it, but most people have fractured personalities.
You will act one way for your parents, another way for friends, yet another for a lover and so forth.
I'm working on being whole...
The same person all the time.
Yo want to know the first step?
If there is anything you are hiding, lying about or even just afraid to admit... Get it said and out of the way.
Look for help if you have to.
Even if it means declaring a personal weakness to and trusting a "professional".
I never wanted to admit some of my other problems (no... I'm still not going to speak about them here only out of a newfound respect for others) because:
1) It would mean that I had trouble controlling and fixing myself.
2) Lack of respect for anyone else's opinion (like that's a fucking surprise).
3) I couldn't imagine that I am predictable or common enough to be figured out. THAT was the worst to me; The idea that someone else could even diagnose me by looking it up on a chart or in a book.
The very idea threatened my sense of individuality.
But here is the key:
You are not the sum of your parts.
You are not the results of your programming and function.
If you are behaving in ANY
human manner possible then you are simply working in the way you were programmed and that program can become damaged.
You are the result of something divine and simply don't remember that.
And don't worry about seeing another person to help you through.
They are another version of yourself happening at a different vibration.
You can either become whole by allowing that help or continue to split, divide, and wrench yourself into several warring aspects.
Something like:
The Father who can't abide the ways of the Artist who envies the Lover who stopped talking to the Warrior because he keeps getting confused with the Nihilist who will destroy everything the Father has worked for.
Imagine the things they can accomplish when whole.
I can.
So I'm working on that.
Trust me... It ain't gonna happen all at once and won't happen at all without discipline.
That's the NEXT step.
Goodnight to all of you, from all of me.